While most fetishists are not predators, and many predators are not fetishists, the two characteristics can and do coincide at times, with horrifying results.
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Not all predators collect pictures, but enough do, and often will use it as a method of control. At first, the requested images may be innocent, but the child will be cajoled into sending ever more suggestive poses: this serves a dual purpose: first, desensitizing the victim to posing in front of a camera, and second, providing material for eventual blackmail and emotional leverage. Getting a child to discuss their sexual feelings, or even their genitals, not only mortifies and confuses the child, but also strips the natural innocence of childhood away — the sexually abused individual is forced into an adult knowledge of a world they are not emotionally ready for.
These sensations of unwilling pleasure in no way excuse the actions of the pedophile: the child instinctively knows that this interaction is inappropriate, but lacks the intellectual and social context to understand why. This terrible use of gaslighting , combined with these deeply confusing feelings, generates immense uncertainty and inner upheaval. Grooming deliberately creates a relationship; it is a warped, coercive relationship, but it is a relationship nonetheless, and a pedophile will work slowly at grooming a child — this is not usually a process of hours or days, but of weeks, months and sometimes years.
Once again, it is important to note that, as with all human interactions, every story of abuse is subtly unique, and any of these stages might be reversed, or happen at the same time, or even be skipped altogether.
Stage One: Contact and Introduction — unless the predator is a relative or legal guardian of a child, he must first cultivate a relationship with the victim. The Larry Nassar case has shown just how embedded into a system a predatory pedophile can be, and how much the system can protect the predator. For the cyber-pedophile, access depends on how effectively the child is monitored online by a responsible guardian an over-monitored child may become secretive and so more available to predators.
Many, but not all, online predators pose as another child, only slightly older than the victim. Many predators will claim to be a friend of a friend to get a foot in the door. But whether the interaction is in the real or the virtual world, the aim of the first stage is the same: the predator must befriend the child, and, through whatever methods available, gain entry into their circle.
Most of us, when we feel liked, are happy to share everything about ourselves, and children are the same. Sometimes, the predator will show the child sexually explicit drawings, or sexually-themed manga and anime intended for an adult audience, or even actual pornography.
Stage Five: Our Dirty Little Secret — here the child falls completely under the spell of the abuser; the child may still be gaslit to believe that the relationship is consensual, but the honeymoon is over, and the gifts that the predator lavished upon them earlier now come with a price. They may even be threatened or blackmailed into recruiting other children for the predator to exploit and abuse.
Often directed to keep the meeting secret, they will slip away, and disappear, into the twilight world of the sex trade, where the grooming is far more severe, and any pretense of romance — or hope for rescue — becomes distant. If the child has not been removed from the reach of any protective influence, and could still possibly tell a parent or teacher about the abuse, the predator will have to use fear, guilt, and obligation to keep the child silent and compliant throughout the ordeal — which might last for years.
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Sexual predators are very rarely the shady-looking guy living in a broken-down van next to the schoolyard. They might even be a new romantic interest in your life who seems really good with your kids. It would be incredibly convenient, and would make life much easier, if there were some easy way to spot child molesters. Unfortunately, they can, like any predator, present a very charming appearance, and will work hard to earn your trust.
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